06.14.05 - 4:48 pm
i am terrified. i am full of anxiety and stress and sometimes i think i'm going crazy. even right now i'm afraid to write about why i'm afraid. i guess writing it down actually makes it real, actually means that i'm admitting i have a problem. these are all of the things i am currently anxious about:
1. my mental condition currently. there are times when i literally feel crazy. i'm afraid to see someone about it because i feel like either way the outcome won't be positive. either i'll go in and complain about anxiety and money and stress and they'll tell me that nothing's wrong, i just need to stop complaining... or else i'm a fucking lunatic. i really am afraid that out of nowhere i'm going to be crazy. also, i'm starting to feel myself slide into an eating disorder again. i'm way too obsessed about it, even though i try to convince myself that i'm not. i need help, but i'm afraid. thinking about talking to a professional about this freaks me out. also, how am i going to afford psychotherapy? i have no health insurance and i don't know if i qualify for low-income places. i guess i should just call and find out, but i'm anxious about even doing that.
i think i'm having and anxiety attack just writing this. when did this happen? i used to be pretty mentally healthy. maybe the bullemia messed me up and i'll permanently be chemically imbalanced. ok, more things i'm anxious about.
2. i have no confidence in my acting anymore because i haven't done it in so long. i feel like i need to just take classes, just audition, just get back out there... but i really am so afraid. what if i'm horrible? what if i moved out here for nothing and i'm just going to work at the coffee bean for the rest of my life? i know logically that i will definetly fail if i never even try, but i get so anxious when i even think about doing anything.
3. am i a horrible person? am i really really awful? i know that danny has a girlfriend, i knew this before i even met him, but i felt such a connection between us. i'm really really glad that nothing happened besides hand holding and playful touches, but i feel really guilty about those. i should probably just never hang out with rob's friends ever again. it would cause less of a strain on jaimie and rob's relationship and i would never be alone with danny again.
4. i don't know what to do about work. i can't stand being there, but i'll need the benefits if i'm going to get help. i have to find a solution, because it definetly adds to my stress.
another reason i'm afraid to get help is because i don't want people to think i'm crazy. it was ironic when i was talking about k. earlier today and i said "i don't know why she doesn't want to help herself". it probably wouldn't be that hard for me to find help, i just keep making up excuses in my head.i'm having another attack.
powered by SignMyGuestbook.com